step aside from all this anger

(no subject)

I am not one of those girls who snarks about skinnier girls while inhaling a bag of Cheetos. But I'm not small, and I never will be - I'm simply not built for it; the smallest I have ever been was an 11 and that was at the peak of my physical condition (soccer every day, a reasonably good diet with the not-so-reasonable snacks cancelled out by my daily runs). Sure, I liked my body better then, but - I'm happier now. At least, until I read about girls fretting over their tiny frames and expressing disgust at women my size.

it's rather hard to be happy with myself when I'm reading about people bemoaning their size 5-7-9 selves. It hurts me a little - no, a lot - that some girls consider it their worst nightmare to wear a dress size even remotely close to mine. I'm not trying to insinuate that girls don't have the right to strive for a body that they can feel comfortable inhabiting. it's just that - my body is comfortable for me, and it's frustrating to feel as if I'm an outcast for being content with what's overwhemingly considered distasteful.

I could exercise more than I do; of course I could. As my mother says about me: "'Outside' is where Corie goes to get from the house to the car." But I walk a great deal; an hour or so each night, at a good pace, and I do crunches most nights. I'm not completely useless. And I could certainly adopt better eating habits, but what can I say? I adore carbohydrates and I worship chocolate shakes. I don't see anything wrong with enjoying food, and if the time comes when I do want to commit myself to losing weight, I'll do the same thing I did in high school: eat the same things, but exercise more.

I just wish I could decide for myself what I wanted to do with my body without facing scrutiny for it. Without reading perfectly innocent things that make me cringe a little, glance down at my tummy and hate myself a little more with each word. I wish weight meant nothing to all of us - exercise, fitness, yes. Weight, looks - a resounding no. even though I know that's a dream that won't ever be fulfilled.

my wish for myself isn't that I could be as skinny as some girls I know. I don't want to fit into a pair of GAP jeans. I want to fit into my own conception of contentness.
come around to another time

answers overdue

What's your favorite time of day?
Ironically, since I hate summer, it's around 8:15 or 8:30 p.m. during summer. when it's finally starting to cool down and I sit outside on the deck with the puppies and watch the stars start to appear in the sky.

How much money would it take for you to do a naked fashion show? Like they did on fear factor.
millions. and millions. of dollars. anyway, I say that now, but if they dangled enough money in front of my face to pay for my tuition up through grad school, I'd probably do it.

what is the meaning of life?
I just like this quote: "But I also have to say, for the umpty-umpth time, that life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all." - William Goldman, The Princess Bride
still it feels so warm

(no subject)

I want to be your Hermione. I want to plunge into my books while you study at my side, I want to have the sensible solution to all of your problems, I want to be the first person you'd turn to if you were ever in need. I want to surprise you with my unexpected spontaneity. I want you to laugh at my overzealousness and I want to embrace you tearily when you triumph. I want you to never realize how wonderful I am until it seems like I'm slipping away from you.

I want to be your Padmé. I want you to conquer my reticence, to compliment my stubbornness, to work with and not against my strengths. I want to be the woman who not only fills your thoughts, but haunts them. I want my smile to torture you as much as my scowl would. I want you to feel overwhelmed with futility whenever you are near me, helpless to forces that are out of your control. I want to surrender to you just when I think you are about to lose all hope for our love, only to find that you'd planned this all along.

I want to be your Sloane Peterson. I want you to never call anything an adventure unless I'm at your side. I want to kiss you in dimly lit museum corridors. I want to entertain all your whims with my smiles. I want to be your better half, I want to be your partner in crime, I want to be half of the couple that simply makes sense. I want to be the girl you'll wait for, even though you know that the world has so much more in store for us.

I want to be your Cassandra. I want you to learn languages just so that you can have something in common with me. I want to fit seamlessly into your life, no matter how different we seem to be. I want to start the loveydovey soundtrack in your head whenever you catch a glimpse of me. I want to unwittingly impress you by fulfilling your idea of a perfect woman. I want to work together with you, helping each other to achieve both our dreams.

and it would be lovely if you were the kind of boy who'd be able to place the women I just imagined myself to be, a boy who'd laugh at my analogies and be able to come up with a few more ingenious ones. a boy who'd take my hands into your own and press your forehead against mine and whisper something lovely like well you're my Corie, and isn't that good enough?
still it feels so warm

in response to questions from my previous entry

when do you know it's TRULY summer?
I wake up with my blankets thrown to the side, feeling tired before I've even opened my eyes, and it's just so humid in my room. ceiling fans turned on full blast. angry that I can't wear my comfy sweatpants unless I want to do just that - sweat. having to pause when I go indoors because the bright sunshine's affected my pupils, and they need time to adjust. kneeling behind the counter at work and sticking my head into the little refridgerator. none of this is very pleasant, but you see, I'm not at all fond of summer. I hate summer, actually. Give me snow or a light fall breeze any day.

what's your favorite piece of jewelry (yours or otherwise), and why?
my brother's class ring. it's beautiful. mostly just because of the stone, I think. I'm not even sure what it is - it's a light green, and it's cut in the starburst pattern, and it's just gorgeous. he never wears it, so I'm constantly picking it up off of Mom's dresser and gazing at it.

what word do you love? why?
right now, impulsive. it sounds like what it means. impulsive. and, well, I'm not impulsive, and I hate that. I tend to like words that mean things that fascinate me.

how are the little brothers.
they're wonderful. right now they're on a trek to the computer store to sell back oodles of Playstation games that they don't play anymore. with the money they're buying either new guitar strings or Spider-Man for Playstation 2, depending on which brother wins. I'm just heartbroken because I couldn't convince them not to sell Final Fantasy VII, the only RPG I've ever loved. sigh.

Who are you in love with at the moment? Why?
pop-culture wise: Hayden Christensen (ooof), the entire cast of Ocean's Eleven, Gregory Maguire (because Wicked was probably the best book I've purchased in the past year), and Ryan Reynolds, who was way too cute for a movie as vulgar as Van Wilder (which was SO FAR from being the "new Animal House," HELLO. THAT IS LIKE MY FAVORITE MOVIE OF ALL TIME AND Van Wilder SUCKED AND IN NO WAY COMPARES, I DON'T CARE IF NATIONAL LAMPOON MADE IT OR NOT. anyway. and in real life: I'm sad to say that I'm not in love with anyone, right now. but...

Who do you love?
this one's easy. My family. My best friend: Logan. My five closest nearest dearest: Jay, Marissa, Adoree, Deirdre, Brian. those are the ones that never change. and sometimes I think I fall in love with a different person every day. today it was my statistics professor, who did me a favor and gave us an extremely easy first exam and let us leave as soon as we finished it, so I got to clear out in half an hour.

top three songs of the moment?
they're all R&B or rap. Marissa has made me unable to listen to any Top 40 radio station; it's just in my nature now to have R&B in the background at all times.
1. Cam'ron - "Oh Boy"
2. Busta Rhymes - "Pass The Courvoisier"
3. Truth Hurts - "Addictive"
still it feels so warm

two trailer-park girls go round the outside

so I was first in line at WalMart at midnight to buy the Harry Potter DVD, and "accidentally" overslept this morning and missed statistics class, which allowed me to curl up on the living room floor at 9:00 this morning and watch it with my mother. She proclaimed Hermione a little too cute ("She's supposed to have buck teeth and be a little more...plain, wouldn't you say?") and bemoaned the loss of Peeves, but pretty much loved it just as much as I thought she would. It's strange to have watched the movie with the person who insisted that I read the books, but it was nice.

okay. motivate me to get online more than once every three days. ask me a question. any question. I'll answer them in another entry.
and here you have the poll.Collapse )

and thank you for the congratulations on the previous entry, by the way. y'all are too sweet. I have so many comments to make tonight; it might take me awhile, but I've been reading so much that I want to talk about, especially from Nisa, Lori, Jeff, Adam, Martha and Monica. (I am far too lazy to link all those lovelies.)

I miss doing homework at 2 a.m. with Marissa, and early lunches with Ad, and I find myself mentioning Brian in passing far too much, and I need to tell Steve how much I think he'd absolutely adore Nick Hornby (I finished About a Boy, by the way), and boy oh boy would I love to make a few Store 24 runs or actually be able to see About a Boy, which isn't playing down here in the sticks. We do still have three screens at one theater showing Spider-Man, though. Hmmmm.
still it feels so warm

(no subject)

I got the job - my dream job. Junior Writing Fellow in the College of Arts and Sciences' Writing Center. minimum of six hours a week at $750 a semester ($1000 when I'm a senior) just for editing papers. I've been carrying the letter around in my bookbag for days now, reading it whenever I want to smile. It seems strange to be this excited about a job, but I really can't wait.

my brothers, my lovely little brothers, bought both Maladroit and the CD by Boxcar Racer, and I'm wondering where they got such great taste. we rocked out to "Slob" all the way home.

we have taken to gathering in my mother's room around 11 every night, all 6 feet 4 inches of my brothers and little old me sprawled over my mother's queen size bed, the puppies on our laps and crawling over our legs, talking about anything and everything. it's sweet and calming and I've come to look forward to it.

more substance later.
still it feels so warm

(no subject)

okay. here is the dope.

summer hasn't allowed me as much free time as I had hoped. it's really more of a hassle to get online than anything else. it's somewhat frustrating to feel like I've missed out on everything just because I'm away from LJ for a day, and my writing is suffering - not as a direct result, but maybe that's a part of it. I'm pretty sick of my "this is what I did today" entries and I bet you are too.

so in the next few days, I'm going to be clearing out my friends list a little bit - just to narrow it down to people I've been reading forever and a day, whose writing I really enjoy, those who I consider friends even away from LJ. I've got a lot of things I consider and so if I remove you and you don't understand why, I'm sorry. You're free to remove me as well. What it all comes down to is that I'm very short on time and I'd like to use it with people I know very well. I also plan on making a lot more public entries, so that function of the friends list isn't needed anymore. When I'm back at school and time and internet accessibility are no longer issues, I'll add back everyone who's still reading.

Once again, I don't mean to insult anybody. None of this is personal. It's for my own reasons and I think I'll get more out of my journal this way, that's all.